Growing up

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." - E. E. Cummings

I read this quote this morning and it got me thinking. I'm not sure who I am anymore. I know there is a difference between what I can do and who I am. But now after this last wrist surgery, what I can do has been so severely diminished, it starts to take away from what/who I am.

Those dealing with chronic pain can understand. 

I changed when my back blew out and I had to stop working. I had to re-find a purpose. I couldn't do a lot, but I did what I could. Then the first wrist surgery left me one handed for a while, but I knew it was temporary and I adjusted.  Then this surgery. I know it's temporary too, but I know the use of my hand/wrist will change drastically when I get use of it back. 

It seems like every time I get into a groove of what I can do, it changes. It makes it hard to keep a handle on who I think I am.  I know it's two different things, but after a while it really becomes one.

Chronic pain/ medical issues wears a person down, changes them. I know it has for me. It's also changed my relationships with people. I'll save what it's done to my marriage for another time. 

It's hard to talk to people from my past. It reminds me of things I can't do anymore. I know the person doesn't mean harm.  It just happens. 

With that all said, I know that I'm doing the best I can with what's in front of me. I'm very thankful for those in my life, they have helped more than any of them will know. 

I didn't write any of this to look for pity. I just have to have a way to express myself, and this is it for now.  The bipolar roller coaster is going, I'm just along for the ride.