Important things to me

There's something about this song that just hits me
Blue October - The Feel Again

This one has always resonated with me
Blue October - Hate Me

Another I listen to often
Avenged Sevenfold - Dear God

Just some links I wanted to share:

TWLOHA

Chalk Messages

Suicide Prevention

Always let those that matter to you know they do............

"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world"

 

Revolving Door

Ok, so we all know I'm dealing with some psych issues - but what else is new.
Well I've finally decided to get back to taking care of myself and started seeing a few doctors to do so. I like almost all of them. Almost.
I see a therapist - and I love her. Pain management  - love her. Primary Dr. is tolerable.
I also get to see a MD. so he can prescribe needed meds for said mental issues. The first time I sat down with him was for a whopping 20 min. at most. Yeah, that's plenty of time to go over history and current issues. So I go on medication #1 and get sent on my way.
It's now a month later and I have decided I don't like this medication. So I make an appointment to see the Dr. to get it changed.
I try to explain to him what it is about this medication that I don't like. Now understand I probably was not using medical termination, but I try to describe things as best I can. He looks at me and says "well how else does it make you feel, because what you describe isn't the normal side effects of the medication." (I've since looked it up and described almost exactly the usual issues with this medication.) He then goes on to say " If I were a wizard, what changes can I make to make you feel better?"
HUH?!
Did I not just spend the last 3 minutes explaining this? (Besides the fact that he said what he said)
We then talk for a few minutes about an issue he thinks I have, which I know I don't. He thinks this because he's talked to me for all of 20 minutes a month ago. Oh and the 3 minutes that I just spent explaining the reasons I don't like the medication I'm on.
So he now tells me to stop medications #1 and we'll start #2 and to come back in a month. Oh and in the midst of talking about the new medication/old medication he asks if I've had my liver checked. No reason as to why, or if I need to keep an eye on it, or anything. But right back into describing new medication to try.

The whole appointment took 10 minutes, 15 at most.
 How am I supposed to trust what you want me to go on when it seems as though you didn't even look at my file. Or spend a reasonable time to talk to me.
Well, at least it gives me something to talk to the therapist about...................................

History, short version.

I
Hard to think of myself as I
Always trying to figure that one out. But here goes...
Normal-ish childhood. Got to thinking I knew better. Started running away and found drugs.
Lots of bad relationships, and ones that were good I ruined. It shocks me today that ANYONE from my past talks to me.
Suicide attempts, hospitalized,diagnosed bipolar/depression, ran away from everything. New state, worked my ass off,  beat by boyfriend, found night in shining armor.
Married, became pregnant, stopped working, hubby has 1st brain injury. Son has Autism, became stay at home mom, home therapies, loss of friends, marriage issues(insert this anyplace there's a comma from here on).
Moved closer to family, lost dad, pain issues started, lost work, moved in with mom, hubby has 2nd traumatic brain injury,
I think it's been almost 2 yrs since last brain injury, but it really seems like nothing has changed.
Now dealing with my own physical/mental issues

there's the quick version. I don't hide shit, so ask questions if you have.

Things I hate

Here it is 1 am and I can't fall asleep.

I hate.....
Thinking when I can't control where the thoughts go.
Depression - not being able to control that either.
Chronic pain - it's draining. Physically, emotionally, and any other way.
Being lied to by someone I really trusted. Though being lied to by anyone sucks too.
Being betrayed.
Believing in something/someone that I shouldn't.
Feeling that I'm not doing enough for my son.
Feeling empty.
Not being able to move around like I used to.


Thinking - yeah I know I said it before, but that's what started this whole thing.

Gonna go try the sleep thing.......................

Growing up

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." - E. E. Cummings

I read this quote this morning and it got me thinking. I'm not sure who I am anymore. I know there is a difference between what I can do and who I am. But now after this last wrist surgery, what I can do has been so severely diminished, it starts to take away from what/who I am.

Those dealing with chronic pain can understand. 

I changed when my back blew out and I had to stop working. I had to re-find a purpose. I couldn't do a lot, but I did what I could. Then the first wrist surgery left me one handed for a while, but I knew it was temporary and I adjusted.  Then this surgery. I know it's temporary too, but I know the use of my hand/wrist will change drastically when I get use of it back. 

It seems like every time I get into a groove of what I can do, it changes. It makes it hard to keep a handle on who I think I am.  I know it's two different things, but after a while it really becomes one.

Chronic pain/ medical issues wears a person down, changes them. I know it has for me. It's also changed my relationships with people. I'll save what it's done to my marriage for another time. 

It's hard to talk to people from my past. It reminds me of things I can't do anymore. I know the person doesn't mean harm.  It just happens. 

With that all said, I know that I'm doing the best I can with what's in front of me. I'm very thankful for those in my life, they have helped more than any of them will know. 

I didn't write any of this to look for pity. I just have to have a way to express myself, and this is it for now.  The bipolar roller coaster is going, I'm just along for the ride.