Health sucks

I know I was never in great health. But to sit here and realize that at 37 I'm as deteriorated as I am hurts.
I've known for years my back was slowly dissintergrating. But I just got news from my last MRI that there are discs in my neck that are deteriorating. What I thought was just a tight muscle or pinched nerve is something that will never go away. Woke up this morning feeling like someone took a baseball bat to my knees. I think my left pinky toe is the only part of me that isn't screaming in pain.

For a myriad of reasons I haven't had the fusion surgery on my back that I keep being told I need. Now if things go down the same path as my back, my neck will need that same surgery too. Joy.

I don't know what's worse sometimes - the physical pain or the mental pain from it all. My son just turned 14 and I'll never be able to show him how to do a kick flip on a skateboard. Hell, I can't even take a walk around the corner to the store with him to pick up sodas. Because of the fusion surgery in my wrist i can't even play a game of Halo with him. I'm 37 dammit.  My heart hurts.

I can only take the physical pain for so long until it wears down my mental strength to where all I want to do is cry. I feel bad for my son for having me as a parent. I know, before anyone goes into it - there's a ton of things I can do with my son. But if you knew me in my pre-crap-health years, you'd know how active of a person I used to be. So I hate being where I am now.

I'm just tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally - tired. I know others feel like this too. I just had to get the thoughts written out and hopefully get them out of my head - if only for a little while