Harsh realities

I grew up always feeling like the odd one. The one that never fit in anywhere. I was always feeling like I was never enough. Not smart enough, skinny enough, fast enough, pretty enough, etc., etc.

But over years I've learned to accept myself. Not all the time. There are definitely times I'm harder on myself than anyone else can be. But I've overcome a lot and I'm usually happy with who I've grown up to be.

Then I had my son and I promised myself (like every parent) that he will be better than me. In every way I can think of. It was a hard road with the Autism. But it made me grow in ways I never thought I could. I did the best I can. And I'm pretty proud of the person my son has grown up to be.

No one ever wants their child to go through the same hardships they have. I've done everything I can to thwart the nastiness of life. But I'm not ignorant and know that all kids go through hard times. All I can do as a parent is be there and be supportive.

My son isn't great at being expressive - then again what 13 yr old is. But with the Autism it's always been hard for him to use words to express what he's feeling.

I have a ton of magnets on my fridge - you know the ones - the ones with all the different words that you can make sentences with. Even I have taken a moment to make a silly sentence and forget about it until my son reads it weeks later and giggles. I take the time to look at the silly sentences he's made :
Money is for chocolate  - that's my favorite one.

But today I went to take the milk out of the fridge and looked at the magnets and my heart sank....

think I'm ugly.

I know he's had some trouble in school. I keep in touch with the teachers and we do all we can to have the right plans in place so that he does well. I know kids have picked on him. I try to step in when I see it becoming a real issue.

But to find "think I'm ugly" in magnets on the fridge.

All of a sudden all those feelings of not being enough came rushing back and I realize that my son is more like me than I ever wanted.
I wanted my son to be better than me. To have a better life than me. To be more than me.

I feel like I failed.