Health sucks

I know I was never in great health. But to sit here and realize that at 37 I'm as deteriorated as I am hurts.
I've known for years my back was slowly dissintergrating. But I just got news from my last MRI that there are discs in my neck that are deteriorating. What I thought was just a tight muscle or pinched nerve is something that will never go away. Woke up this morning feeling like someone took a baseball bat to my knees. I think my left pinky toe is the only part of me that isn't screaming in pain.

For a myriad of reasons I haven't had the fusion surgery on my back that I keep being told I need. Now if things go down the same path as my back, my neck will need that same surgery too. Joy.

I don't know what's worse sometimes - the physical pain or the mental pain from it all. My son just turned 14 and I'll never be able to show him how to do a kick flip on a skateboard. Hell, I can't even take a walk around the corner to the store with him to pick up sodas. Because of the fusion surgery in my wrist i can't even play a game of Halo with him. I'm 37 dammit.  My heart hurts.

I can only take the physical pain for so long until it wears down my mental strength to where all I want to do is cry. I feel bad for my son for having me as a parent. I know, before anyone goes into it - there's a ton of things I can do with my son. But if you knew me in my pre-crap-health years, you'd know how active of a person I used to be. So I hate being where I am now.

I'm just tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally - tired. I know others feel like this too. I just had to get the thoughts written out and hopefully get them out of my head - if only for a little while

Harsh realities

I grew up always feeling like the odd one. The one that never fit in anywhere. I was always feeling like I was never enough. Not smart enough, skinny enough, fast enough, pretty enough, etc., etc.

But over years I've learned to accept myself. Not all the time. There are definitely times I'm harder on myself than anyone else can be. But I've overcome a lot and I'm usually happy with who I've grown up to be.

Then I had my son and I promised myself (like every parent) that he will be better than me. In every way I can think of. It was a hard road with the Autism. But it made me grow in ways I never thought I could. I did the best I can. And I'm pretty proud of the person my son has grown up to be.

No one ever wants their child to go through the same hardships they have. I've done everything I can to thwart the nastiness of life. But I'm not ignorant and know that all kids go through hard times. All I can do as a parent is be there and be supportive.

My son isn't great at being expressive - then again what 13 yr old is. But with the Autism it's always been hard for him to use words to express what he's feeling.

I have a ton of magnets on my fridge - you know the ones - the ones with all the different words that you can make sentences with. Even I have taken a moment to make a silly sentence and forget about it until my son reads it weeks later and giggles. I take the time to look at the silly sentences he's made :
Money is for chocolate  - that's my favorite one.

But today I went to take the milk out of the fridge and looked at the magnets and my heart sank....

think I'm ugly.

I know he's had some trouble in school. I keep in touch with the teachers and we do all we can to have the right plans in place so that he does well. I know kids have picked on him. I try to step in when I see it becoming a real issue.

But to find "think I'm ugly" in magnets on the fridge.

All of a sudden all those feelings of not being enough came rushing back and I realize that my son is more like me than I ever wanted.
I wanted my son to be better than me. To have a better life than me. To be more than me.

I feel like I failed.

I am

I am.

Those two words can be so powerful. They can help build a person up or break them down so bad they can't find their way back up.

I am.....

Mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend.
Those are the easy ones to write. It's when I sit down and really start to think about who I am that it becomes a difficult thing. I am a lot of things, but I also realize that all these things have made me the person sitting here today.

I am.....

Bipolar, an addict, suicidal, survivor.

I am....

Tired, in pain, overweight, never good enough.

I am....

Tattooed, pierced, unique.

I am...

Learning to like myself again. Learning to accept myself again.
Learning - I like that one. It's one of the hardest things I am right now. It means to me that I don't know all the answers, even ones that only I can answer. I can only hope to keep learning along this path so that I can answer those questions one day.

You can use I am to be an excuse - I am sick, I am busy, etc.
You can use I am to express - I am mad, sad, happy.
You can use I am to lift - I am here for you, I am proud of you.

I am...
                   me.

Birthday wishes

I went to therapy the other day and got an exercise to work on. It was simply to write down what I wanted for my birthday.

It seemed like such an easy thing to fill out. But as I put my pen to the paper I paused. I realized I wasn't being asked for a list of items. Why would me wanting a new iPod matter? If I got new shoes, would that make me feel better?

When it comes down to what I really want, none of it is anything that can be bought or even given as a gift. How do you wrap self confidence? How do you put a bow on mental stability?
What would you even write on the card?


I realize that the exercise is to make me focus on myself. I kind of hate that part. I'm good at taking care of others, of trying to make sure everyone else has what they need. I'll get to me another time.
That's where the problem is. I don't/can't focus on me. It's hard to think of what I want when I can't even think.


As I go down this new road of taking care of myself,  I hope to figure out what it is that I want. Till then the boxes, bows, and ribbons will have to wait