No wagon to fall off of/non resolutions

So it's now 2013. And I celebrated last night with a drink. Yup - me, the now sober one.

No, I didn't fall off any wagon. Actually since I had made the decision to get sober a year and a half ago I've had a few sips of beer here and there.
     I know my triggers, and they're gone. I'm not stupid, I know to be aware of things, but for the most part - that way of thinking that led me to drink the way I was is gone. 
     So, last night I had 2 mimosas. To be honest I didn't even feel a buzz and I honestly don't think I'll be having another any time soon. It wasn't as good as I was expecting. I really don't miss any of the feelings alcohol used to bring me. It just solidifies in my head that I really am past that part of my life. It feels good.
     I know I had a few people concerned when I had said I was going to have a drink last night. But I promise - the person I was a year and a half ago is gone. And I'm glad.
     I might not like where I am in my life right now. But I do like the person I'm on the road to becoming and have promised myself to continue down that road this coming year. I won't make resolutions - they get broken and that in turn breaks your will.
     What I will do is promise to myself to get back on track with changes I started to make last year that I let slip during the holiday season. So therapy, medications, doctor appointments etc will  be gearing back up. As much as I didn't like those things, I realize now that they were all necessary in helping me feel better physically and mentally.
    
I can't write anything about this past year or upcoming year without being insanely grateful for the people in my life. Without these people there's no way would I be on the road I'm on. I've lost touch with a few people and reconnected with some I never thought I'd talk to again. I am beyond blessed for the amount of love I have in my life. Thank you!

     I wish everyone a happy, healthy, love filled new year. 
    

Health sucks

I know I was never in great health. But to sit here and realize that at 37 I'm as deteriorated as I am hurts.
I've known for years my back was slowly dissintergrating. But I just got news from my last MRI that there are discs in my neck that are deteriorating. What I thought was just a tight muscle or pinched nerve is something that will never go away. Woke up this morning feeling like someone took a baseball bat to my knees. I think my left pinky toe is the only part of me that isn't screaming in pain.

For a myriad of reasons I haven't had the fusion surgery on my back that I keep being told I need. Now if things go down the same path as my back, my neck will need that same surgery too. Joy.

I don't know what's worse sometimes - the physical pain or the mental pain from it all. My son just turned 14 and I'll never be able to show him how to do a kick flip on a skateboard. Hell, I can't even take a walk around the corner to the store with him to pick up sodas. Because of the fusion surgery in my wrist i can't even play a game of Halo with him. I'm 37 dammit.  My heart hurts.

I can only take the physical pain for so long until it wears down my mental strength to where all I want to do is cry. I feel bad for my son for having me as a parent. I know, before anyone goes into it - there's a ton of things I can do with my son. But if you knew me in my pre-crap-health years, you'd know how active of a person I used to be. So I hate being where I am now.

I'm just tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally - tired. I know others feel like this too. I just had to get the thoughts written out and hopefully get them out of my head - if only for a little while

Harsh realities

I grew up always feeling like the odd one. The one that never fit in anywhere. I was always feeling like I was never enough. Not smart enough, skinny enough, fast enough, pretty enough, etc., etc.

But over years I've learned to accept myself. Not all the time. There are definitely times I'm harder on myself than anyone else can be. But I've overcome a lot and I'm usually happy with who I've grown up to be.

Then I had my son and I promised myself (like every parent) that he will be better than me. In every way I can think of. It was a hard road with the Autism. But it made me grow in ways I never thought I could. I did the best I can. And I'm pretty proud of the person my son has grown up to be.

No one ever wants their child to go through the same hardships they have. I've done everything I can to thwart the nastiness of life. But I'm not ignorant and know that all kids go through hard times. All I can do as a parent is be there and be supportive.

My son isn't great at being expressive - then again what 13 yr old is. But with the Autism it's always been hard for him to use words to express what he's feeling.

I have a ton of magnets on my fridge - you know the ones - the ones with all the different words that you can make sentences with. Even I have taken a moment to make a silly sentence and forget about it until my son reads it weeks later and giggles. I take the time to look at the silly sentences he's made :
Money is for chocolate  - that's my favorite one.

But today I went to take the milk out of the fridge and looked at the magnets and my heart sank....

think I'm ugly.

I know he's had some trouble in school. I keep in touch with the teachers and we do all we can to have the right plans in place so that he does well. I know kids have picked on him. I try to step in when I see it becoming a real issue.

But to find "think I'm ugly" in magnets on the fridge.

All of a sudden all those feelings of not being enough came rushing back and I realize that my son is more like me than I ever wanted.
I wanted my son to be better than me. To have a better life than me. To be more than me.

I feel like I failed.

I am

I am.

Those two words can be so powerful. They can help build a person up or break them down so bad they can't find their way back up.

I am.....

Mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend.
Those are the easy ones to write. It's when I sit down and really start to think about who I am that it becomes a difficult thing. I am a lot of things, but I also realize that all these things have made me the person sitting here today.

I am.....

Bipolar, an addict, suicidal, survivor.

I am....

Tired, in pain, overweight, never good enough.

I am....

Tattooed, pierced, unique.

I am...

Learning to like myself again. Learning to accept myself again.
Learning - I like that one. It's one of the hardest things I am right now. It means to me that I don't know all the answers, even ones that only I can answer. I can only hope to keep learning along this path so that I can answer those questions one day.

You can use I am to be an excuse - I am sick, I am busy, etc.
You can use I am to express - I am mad, sad, happy.
You can use I am to lift - I am here for you, I am proud of you.

I am...
                   me.

Birthday wishes

I went to therapy the other day and got an exercise to work on. It was simply to write down what I wanted for my birthday.

It seemed like such an easy thing to fill out. But as I put my pen to the paper I paused. I realized I wasn't being asked for a list of items. Why would me wanting a new iPod matter? If I got new shoes, would that make me feel better?

When it comes down to what I really want, none of it is anything that can be bought or even given as a gift. How do you wrap self confidence? How do you put a bow on mental stability?
What would you even write on the card?


I realize that the exercise is to make me focus on myself. I kind of hate that part. I'm good at taking care of others, of trying to make sure everyone else has what they need. I'll get to me another time.
That's where the problem is. I don't/can't focus on me. It's hard to think of what I want when I can't even think.


As I go down this new road of taking care of myself,  I hope to figure out what it is that I want. Till then the boxes, bows, and ribbons will have to wait

Important things to me

There's something about this song that just hits me
Blue October - The Feel Again

This one has always resonated with me
Blue October - Hate Me

Another I listen to often
Avenged Sevenfold - Dear God

Just some links I wanted to share:

TWLOHA

Chalk Messages

Suicide Prevention

Always let those that matter to you know they do............

"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world"

 

Revolving Door

Ok, so we all know I'm dealing with some psych issues - but what else is new.
Well I've finally decided to get back to taking care of myself and started seeing a few doctors to do so. I like almost all of them. Almost.
I see a therapist - and I love her. Pain management  - love her. Primary Dr. is tolerable.
I also get to see a MD. so he can prescribe needed meds for said mental issues. The first time I sat down with him was for a whopping 20 min. at most. Yeah, that's plenty of time to go over history and current issues. So I go on medication #1 and get sent on my way.
It's now a month later and I have decided I don't like this medication. So I make an appointment to see the Dr. to get it changed.
I try to explain to him what it is about this medication that I don't like. Now understand I probably was not using medical termination, but I try to describe things as best I can. He looks at me and says "well how else does it make you feel, because what you describe isn't the normal side effects of the medication." (I've since looked it up and described almost exactly the usual issues with this medication.) He then goes on to say " If I were a wizard, what changes can I make to make you feel better?"
HUH?!
Did I not just spend the last 3 minutes explaining this? (Besides the fact that he said what he said)
We then talk for a few minutes about an issue he thinks I have, which I know I don't. He thinks this because he's talked to me for all of 20 minutes a month ago. Oh and the 3 minutes that I just spent explaining the reasons I don't like the medication I'm on.
So he now tells me to stop medications #1 and we'll start #2 and to come back in a month. Oh and in the midst of talking about the new medication/old medication he asks if I've had my liver checked. No reason as to why, or if I need to keep an eye on it, or anything. But right back into describing new medication to try.

The whole appointment took 10 minutes, 15 at most.
 How am I supposed to trust what you want me to go on when it seems as though you didn't even look at my file. Or spend a reasonable time to talk to me.
Well, at least it gives me something to talk to the therapist about...................................